It’s been 11 days since I had my second natural miscarriage at home. My poor baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 1 day (third natural pregnancy). I was told by the sonographer at 12+5 that there was no heartbeat. Husband was in the Cafe with Grace, as the letter said we couldn’t bring in children to the scan. I knew I would be on my own, but I hoped it would be news like “My instincts were right. We are having twins.”
Third Pregnancy Dating Scan
“How many weeks are you” she asked?
“12+5” I told her.
“What makes you think you are 12+5?”she asked.
“Going off my last period on 17 October 2024” I replied.
“I’m only measuring 8+1” she said.
It hadn’t clocked inside my head right then, and then she said she would go and get another person in about the heartbeat.
“There is no heartbeat”. One of them called me by my name, the other was so cold as she gave me the news.
It was such a shock. It still is when her words play over and over in my head.
Did I cause the Miscarriage in my Third Pregnancy?
I keep thinking “what if I caused my missed miscarriage?” Was it the tiramisu I ate at Christmas, or the melted brie on toast I had? What about too much melted stilton on chips (I had a mega craving for blue cheese in this pregnancy). Was it the stress of the pregnancy? My husband and I desperately wanted a brother or sister for Grace, as I’m not one to go to playgroups due to social anxiety, and Grace always lights up when other children are around. Was it those nights after putting Grace to bed, when she awoke in the middle of the night and I was too tired to nurse her back to bed, and I would scream at my husband to give her a bottle of milk, and tell him that I didn’t want this baby because I wouldn’t be able to cope? These are words I wish I could take back because I didn’t mean them. What if our little baba could hear me telling him or her (in those moments of frantic stress) that I didn’t want them? I feel so guilty. I can’t stop thinking “what if I did something wrong”? Sometimes it’s not always a chromosomal abnormality. I mean I got three positive pregnancy tests from three different Clearblue pregnancy tests on the missed day of my period at 27 days, and I’m usually every 27 or 28 days in my cycle. So I keep thinking that there must have been healthy hCG levels in my body already.
I’m still in shock. I thought everything was going okay.
My First Miscarriage
This is my second miscarriage after miscarrying with my first during the seventh week at age 39. I had just finished the day at one of those driver’s awareness courses, which was in somewhere like Haslingden, and after that day ended and I was driving home I had really heavy cramps. I thought nothing of it until I visited the toilet and blood pooled into the toilet. There was blood pooling into the toilet when we reached the Urgent Care Centre. Sadly after several hours of waiting, they told us that we needed to go to The Royal Oldham Hospital. They couldn’t do anything for me. They looked, but I had to return the following day when they could do a scan.
“There is nothing there” one of the scanners told me, with another person witness. I was on my own in the room. They were so cold. I’ve hated the NHS ever since that experience. And now it’s happened again.
I’m no longer testing pregnant after miscarriage. I bought a pack of 50 cheap pregnancy tests, so I guess it’s positive that there is no more hCg in my system, but the grief is still there. Some days I feel stronger than others, perhaps I have cried enough tears, and then the wave of grief comes again.
We only wanted one more child. Are we asking for too much?
The sad thing is that I thought I was expecting twins. I had been ‘showing’ since I had found out I was pregnant, so bloated and I still am even after the miscarriage. I kept joking to my husband, what if it’s triplets even? I had read in the Tandem Nursing book that the odds of having twins are higher if you conceive while you are still nursing, and I still am after 21 months, plus my age being 44 can make the chances higher for conceiving twins or multiples. I have absolutely no belief that my still breastfeeding while pregnant caused my miscarriage. The only research to miscarriage with breastfeeding are of those women who are exclusively breastfeeding. I do, however, believe I should have been drinking more fluids, and eating more liver each week. The theory is that if you can have sex while pregnant, you can breastfeed while pregnant.
Because I still look ‘pregnant’ and now I realise I’m just a fat git, I don’t want to go out. I feel so ashamed of how I look. I don’t want to eat. I don’t get much quality sleep. I’ve started smoking again, after being an ex smoker for about eight years. The stress is too much.
Second Pregnancy
Everything went well in my second natural pregnancy at 42. Even though I was deemed ‘high risk’ I had read enough books (Dr Sara Wickham) and had to stand my ground after most appointments. Besides a brief less than one minute dating scan to detect a viable pregnancy, and a 32 week placenta check, we avoided ultrasounds, as no long term safety testing has been done, and no one cares to do these studies. Instead, the NHS people say it’s safe, and as long as they and others say it’s safe, it must be. Don’t be naive. It’s most certainly not safe. It’s non-ionising radiation. These tools heat up the baby’s cells and cause long term damage to baby’s cells. The truth will never come out because it’s a billion dollar industry. Prenatal ultrasound is linked to autism, but they talk like autism is a normal thing nowadays. I mean the NHS (and most pregnancy websites) tell women who are pregnant to no longer eat liver or take cod liver oil (both rich in Vitamin A), saying it causes birth defects. Yet they provide absolutely no research, because the NHS don’t need to provide that research to the public. After the last four years, how they have acted together with the government propaganda turning man against man, would you really trust the NHS with your life, and that of your baby?
Anyhow, it was a lovely pregnancy with Grace. No morning sickness throughout. Besides the occasional hip pain and GERD in my third trimester, it was an easy labour at 37 weeks. I had something called precipitate labour and Grace was born at 12.08PM within three hours from my first contraction at 9.08am. I wanted a home birth but because I didn’t know it was my waters breaking at the time, they asked me to visit the hospital. By the time we got there, the contractions were every few minutes. The pain of labour is so animalistic. I wasn’t screaming, more like instinctive grunting. I knew exactly when to push, I trusted my body. I wouldn’t let the midwives examine me. They were pretty much unhelpful until my sister intervened to ask them if they were going to help me. I didn’t trust the hospital (after much reading of their fearmongering unnecessary interventions which cause more harm than good) and after I had birthed Grace, and her placenta, these NHS staff were trying to threaten me with scanning my baby because I had refused ultrasounds. I stood my ground and they soon pissed off with their threats. It was horrible being in that place. Because Grace’s temperature was lower than 37 degrees, they kept us in for hours and hours before realising that she was perfectly healthy and had a slightly lower body temperature of 36.8, just like her mama.
Lack of Compassion by the NHS
I thought it was the ultrasound that killed my baby. My baby had been dead inside of me for almost five weeks at the date of the dating ultrasound, so why was I bleeding afterwards? Would I have had a natural miscarriage at home otherwise? These are the questions that go round in my head. We were just trying to recreate the healthy pregnancy I had in my second pregnancy. I was following the Weston A Price diet, as best I could, as I had been during breastfeeding Grace, so I thought we had healthy eggs and sperm for conception. It’s so disheartening to realise that we went wrong somewhere. I didn’t smoke at the time. Perhaps I should have been eating more calories, consuming more iron (my ferratin levels were 17) and drinking more fluids, but surely drinking more and eating more the next day would fix any such issues, surely?
I ran away from the sonographer at the dating scan in anger. People tried to phone me to help me, but I kept pushing them away. I couldn’t deal with the shock. Finally after two days of grief and worry, I made arrangements to go and get a second scan for confirmation. The first nurse was very nice. She apologised for the way the sonographer had talked to me.
The next doctor who visited me wasn’t very helpful. Of course, she said sorry to us for the loss of our baby. She was talking about the procedures I could undergo, and she never even talked about a second scan to see if they were wrong. I told her my concerns about ultrasound and she confirmed that ultrasound was very safe without any issues. I told her she was wrong. The second sonographer kept holding the transducer on one spot, not even moving it around. These are the problems that occur. According to Jim West’s book, , the minimum safest time is three to five minutes. Even one minute’s use of ultrasound can damage the baby. When the sonographers are not very experienced, they hold it in a spot for too long and this is when it can damage fetal cells. She confirmed there was no heartbeat after holding the transducer on me for about a minute. I asked her what my baby measured at. “8+2” she said. My husband was with me fortunately. “Do you want a picture to help you”, she asked, as I sobbed brokenhearted at the news. We declined. It felt so rushed. “Are you moderate” the second woman asked, as I pulled down my top quickly just as she opened the door to let us out.
“Who the hell cares about seeing a bit of belly anyway”, I thought about saying. “I mean what does it matter. I’ve just lost my baby you heartless cow”.
I saw this stone faced doctor again, and she didn’t even say anything of help. She kept trying to stop our Grace from crying, but she wasn’t very effective. This doctor didn’t have children, yet she thought she could comfort my child. I had originally consented for a general anaesthetic for a D&C, until she told me I would need an anti-D shot too. Nothing about this was explained beforehand, because anti-D isn’t a safe product either. It’s made from mixed blood, and a lot of those people will be vaccinated with MRNA. It’s not my choice to receive that crap into my system. I remember watching these three staff just watching us, probably thinking me and my husband were nuts for questioning their procedures and jabs. It felt like a living nightmare. My only healthy option was to naturally miscarry, which happened the following day.
I remember feeling the cramps in the morning, so I took two ibuprofen and much of the day was visiting the toilet to pass blood clots and feeling the blood pooling into the toilet without the awful cramps. By the second day the blood wasn’t that bad, but I was still changing my pads every hour.
10 days later I tested negative on a cheap pregnancy test.
I’m back to self destructive. Smoking, tired all the time, no appetite, empty inside, watching horror movies, eating junk food when I feel sad. Since I still look pregnant because my pregnancy hormones have not fixed themselves, so why not feed the belly? It’s a horrible feeling losing a baby, knowing that bloat will not grow into a bump, and when I feel okay, the sadness comes on another day, or later that day.
I wanted so much to help pregnant women soon after. I would visit the Reddit threads and share information on the dangers of prenatal ultrasound, and then I would find out minutes later that I was banned. I had read stories of women who had undergone an early ultrasound at six weeks, baby had heartbeat etc, and then weeks later the baby was dead. I tried to share this information, but was quickly shot down. It’s so disheartening to know that you have lost your baby, and others are too because of some dangerous technology that they continue to say is ‘safe and effective’. It makes me so angry. I know that this miscarriage was not caused through ultrasound, because our baby had died before the dating scan, but I still wanted to share the information. I remember reading one thread about a partner who’s girlfriend was pregnant and had Borderline Personality Disorder (as I have) and the majority of those who answered told her she would be a shit mum and to abort the baby. What heartless people. reddit is harmful. I wonder if they have ever prayed for anyone in their life? I was diagnosed with BPD in March 2020 and while it’s hard and has worsened since I gave birth, I’ve been trying to get help through the NHS (yes, them again) for years, my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. I don’t know where the hell I am in in their system regarding my mental health. I’m tired of complaining.
Existing Children
Even though my husband and I have an existing child, it doesn’t make it easier to lose a baby that was growing inside of me. They were loved. They were wanted. So many women today get pregnant and then selfishly abort that baby without a second care about the life living inside of them. Life isn’t fair. And so many women experience a miscarriage. I think the odds are every 1 in 4 women will miscarry. It’s deeply sad.
Have you Miscarried?
Have you had a miscarriage? Do you want to share your story? What has helped you to heal? Please comment below.